Whether a parent yourself, or a
grandparent, an aunt, an uncle, a neighbour, a teacher, a scout leader, or
whatever your role in the lives of the children around you, this important
series will give you valuable tips on how to influence those kids for the
Lord! For former lessons from Bringing up Kids God's Way, go to
www.scripturalnuggets.org/folder5/parenting_gods_way.htm .
BRINGING UP KIDS GOD'S WAY, Part 11:
Showing Affection
"Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." (Col. 3:21 NIV);
"But let us encourage one another-and all the more
as you see the Day approaching." (Heb 10:25 NIV)
Just after the service at church one Sunday morning, a lady leaned over our
pew and whispered, "I just wanted you to know how impressed I am at how
close your family is!"
I stared up in surprise.
"Yes," she continued. "I'm a retired teacher, and I can tell you, it's very
rare for a teenager to put his arm around his mother in public!"
My mind went back to the praise and worship service when my oldest son had
put his arm around my shoulder, and the memory made me smile. What the kind
lady didn't know, however, is that in my house this isn't rare. My husband
and I have always looked for ways to show our boys affection. As a result,
they know their parents are proud of them, they have a healthy self-esteem,
and they are not ashamed to show their own affection, even in public.
Showing affection may not seem like such a powerful thing, but it is. Little
gestures--a hug, a pat on the back, a kiss on the cheek--speak novels: "I
love you." And "I'm glad you are my child." Likewise words--spoken or
written (a card, a note, a poem)--all scream out the message: "I'm really
proud of you!" Or "I know you'll do well, and I'll be praying for you." A
bunch of flowers, a donut, a privilege, or other niceties all say: "I love
you for who you are. We may have our differences, but I accept those
differences." The point is, it isn't the method that matters, it's simply
the fact that you EXPRESS that affection!
Why is expressing our emotions and our affection important?
1. First of all, because as the adult in that child's life, he or she
is looking to YOU for acceptance. That child needs to know that you love
them, no matter what.
I don't know how many times I've heard kids say, "My mom doesn't care what I
do!" Or, "All my dad cares about is that I make the football team! I hate
football, but I can't let him down!" Many kids quit trying to make their
parents happy because they don't think anything they do is ever good enough.
Others think they have nothing in common with their parents. My own
brother-in-law started drinking so that he would have something in common
with his father, so that his father would accept him.
Let's face it folks, if your kids don't find the acceptance they crave from
you, they will seek it in other ways. They will turn to their friends. Or
drugs. Or alcohol. Or a myriad of other non-productive avenues. They need to
know that YOU love them for who they are!
2. Secondly, expressing your affection helps the children in your
lives to build self-esteem. When kids--or adults, for that matter!--feel
they aren't accepted, they begin to see themselves as sub-standard. This
pushes them to seek acceptance in other things--like success, winning, being
popular--instead of realizing that their differences are God-given and
there's nothing wrong with being different.
3. Finally, expressing your feelings also helps kids learn how to
express their own emotions: "And let us consider and give attentive,
continuous care to watching over one another, studying how we may stir up
(stimulate and incite) to love and helpful deeds and noble activities . . ."
(Heb 10:24 AMP). When we show affection, we are "stirring up" our kids to
love, to do helpful deeds, to do noble activities. Not only will this help
improve communication in our society, but it will help to build self-esteem
and self-acceptance. It will go a long ways towards building a new society!
Some of you may be saying right now, "My kid knows how I feel. I don't need
to say it!"
But do they? Does your boy know you're proud of him for making the football
team? Does your girl know you're proud of her for trying out for volleyball,
even though she didn't make it? Do they realize that you love them even
though they bring home a "D"? Yell at their little brother? Forget to do
their homework?
No. They don't. Especially not a teen, and especially not in the heat of the
moment. In fact, if you take the time and effort to find out, you would be
shocked at what you learn! Oh, they may say the right things, but their low
self-esteem or their search for acceptance say otherwise.
Friends, your kids DON'T know how you feel unless you tell them. Reach out
today. Show those kids you care. Give them that hug or a kiss. Clap them on
the back. Whisper in their ear that you are proud of them, that you accept
them, even if their interests aren't the same as yours. Tell them with a
card. Tell them with a note left on their dresser. Take them out for ice
cream. However you decide to do it, just tell them! When you do, you will be
creating an entire new generation of adults who will accept themselves for
who they are!
Now, I recognize that some of you may not know how to express your emotions,
and the idea of telling the kids in your life how you feel about them makes
you very uncomfortable. If this describes you, then ask God to show you how
to show affection in a way your kids will understand, and then ask Him to
give you the courage and strength to do it.
Join us next week for a the introduction to a short series your kids won't
want you to read: "What About Discipline?" Bringing up Kids God's Way, Part
12A.
God bless each of you abundantly as you seek to guide the kids in your life
in the ways of the Lord!
In His love,
Lyn
Lyn Chaffart, Mother of two teens, Author and Moderator for The Nugget, a
tri-weekly internet newsletter, and Scriptural Nuggets,
www.scripturalnuggets.org
, a website devoted to Christian devotionals and inspirational poems, with
Answers2Prayer Ministries,
www.Answers2Prayer.org .