Whether a parent yourself, or a grandparent, an aunt, an uncle, a neighbour, a teacher, a scout leader, or whatever your role in the lives of the children around you, this important series will give you valuable tips on how to influence those kids for the Lord! For former lessons from Bringing up Kids God's Way, go to www.scripturalnuggets.org/Folder5/parenting_gods_way.htm .
Bringing up Kids God's Way, Part 12:
What About Discipline? Part B
The "Don't"s of Discipline
In "What About Discipline? Part A" we looked at the
importance of and the prerequisites for discipline. But how and when you
discipline, and in what spirit, are also vital considerations in being an
effective disciplinarian. I have divided these important concepts into a
list of "DO"s and "DON'T"s, and these will be the focus of the next two
devotionals. For today, let's take a moment to consider some of the "DON'T"s
of discipline:
1. DON'T punish your child in anger!
I don't know how many times I've said to my boys: "What you have done is
very, very wrong. However I am too angry to deal with this right now. I need
you to go to your rooms while I calm down, and then we'll talk about it!"
It's kind of a "time out" that I allow myself, and this time allows me to
cool down and consider more rationally what has happened. It also allows me
the time to pray and ask God's wisdom for dealing with the situation.
When you are angry, it becomes very difficult to determine what really
happened, and whether or not the behaviour deserves punishment. It becomes
much easier to over punish your child, and most importantly, when you punish
in anger, you teach your child that it's okay to strike out at the one they
are angry with. You will then have a very hard time teaching them not to
throw things in frustration and not to strike out at the child who pushes
them, and it will become extremely difficult to teach them to "turn the
other cheek"!
2. DON'T limit the kind of punishment you administer to only a few.
It is easy for us, as the adults in a child's life, to have our "pet"
punishments. Some kids are grounded for everything, others receive
spankings, no matter what they've done, and still others are always in time
out. When you resort continually to the same punishment, it tends to lose
its effectiveness.
A friend of mine, who always uses spankings as a punishment, once told me
this story. I don't remember the exact nature of the "crime" that was being
punished, but her son was very much aware that he had done something wrong.
He looked his mother straight in the eye and said, "Don't worry mom, I'll
spank myself!" And he proceeded to tap himself on his buttock.
Was spanking this child still an effective punishment? Probably not. When he
made the decision to disobey his mother, he already knew what the outcome
would be, and frankly, he didn't care. However, had he not known what to
expect, he might have thought twice about his disobedience!
Approximately three years ago my boys began having difficulties with the
truth. I tried all of the usual punishments, but lies continued to flow. The
reason? They already knew the outcome of their actions ahead of time, and
frankly, it didn't faze them. The next time it happened, God showed me a new
punishment that they didn't expect. My boys had spent the entire year saving
their money to be able to lease horses for the summer, and they had already
paid, out of their own pockets, for the month. Their punishment? They were
grounded from horseback riding for the rest of the month. It worked. After
this incident, the truth began to flow much more readily!
3. DON'T "over" or "under" punish your child.
Always take the time to think and pray about what the child has done so as
to put it in its proper prospective. If the action deserve time out, don't
use grounding or spanking. Conversely, if the action deserve a serious
punishment, don't use time out!
How can you know if the punishment matches the "crime"? There isn't a pat
answer to this, because each individual child responds differently to
discipline. What is a "serious" punishment for one may not even faze
another. You have to watch how your child responses to your methods of
discipline, you have to constantly be seeking new methods of discipline if
the old methods don't work, and you need to have a mental continuum of
"severity" for your disciplines.
You also need to have a continuum that you follow for gauging the severity
of the child's actions. If it's a repeated offence, for example, it should
be punished more severely than if it's the first time act. Actions that go
completely against Biblical precepts should also be punished more severely,
as well as actions that hurt others. Your family and cultural values will
help you gauge the severity of the action.
4. DON'T make empty threats!
I was waiting to see the doctor in the ER department of our local hospital
when my attention was drawn to a family with a two year old. The child had
pulled his boots off and was padding around the hospital floor in his socks.
His father threatened numerous times to take away his cookies if he didn't
put his boots back on. Each threat produced more of an impish smile on the
face of the little boy, and when they were finally called in to see the
doctor, the boy still had his cookies and the father was carrying the boots.
What did this dad teach his son? That there isn't any real consequences for
disobedience and that he doesn't mean what he says. The child had no respect
for his father's authority, and you can bet that any further warnings went
completely unheeded.
By the same token, don't make it a habit of withdrawing or shortening your
punishment either. Kids will know their punishments will be shortened, and
they will take that calculated risk when deciding whether or not to fall for
the temptation.
Friends, keeping these "DON'T"s in mind will help you to be a more effective
disciplinarian. Please join us next week for Bring up Kids God's Way, Part
12C: The "DO"s of Discipline.
God bless each of you abundantly as you seek to guide the kids in your life
in the ways of the Lord!
In His love,
Lyn
Lyn Chaffart, Speech-Language Pathologist and Mother of two
teens, Author and Moderator for The Nugget, a tri-weekly internet
newsletter, and Scriptural Nuggets,
www.scripturalnuggets.org , a
website devoted to Christian devotionals and inspirational poems, with
Answers2Prayer Ministries,
www.Answers2Prayer.org .