Whether a parent yourself, or a grandparent, an aunt, an
uncle, a neighbor, a teacher, a scout leader, or whatever your role in the
lives of the children around you, this important series will give you
valuable tips on how to influence those kids for the Lord! For former
lessons from Bringing up Kids God's Way, go to
www.scripturalnuggets.org/Folder5/parenting_gods_way.htm .
Bringing up Kids God's Way, Part 9
What About Control? Part B:
Relinquishing Control, Part i
"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he
is old he will not turn from it." (Prov 22:6 NIV)
Over the last three weeks, we've been looking at the importance of
establishing boundaries; of helping young children learn that it is
important for them to learn to relinquish control; of taking control of
situations with our children so that they don't take control of us; of
giving our children the guidance they so desperately need when they are
young. But is there a time when we, as the adults in the lives of our kids,
need to relinquish that control?
The answer is "yes"!
Although being in control of the major decisions in a child's life is very
important when they are young and don't have the world knowledge or maturity
to make their own, children do eventually need to learn this skill. Children
need to learn how to be mature adults, and in order to do so, God has given
them a transition period: Adolescence!
Wait a minute! Adolescence?
With the mere word striking terror in our minds as we envision the problems
that come to families during this time of life, we must also remember that
God created adolescence as a time when our children make the transition from
childhood to adulthood! As a time when they grow up!
During adolescence, there are numerous chemical and hormonal changes that
take places in the brain as it grows and as children expand their capacity
to use it. This can be a new and scary experience. Your child doesn't know
what to do with these changes, and this tends to spark emotional and
behavioral changes.
But even more importantly, we, as adults, don't know what to do with those
changes in our kids, either! I mean, it's pretty hard for us, as the adults
in the lives of adolescents to adjust to the fact, for example, that the
child who has spent the last 12 years learning to live with less and less
sleep, now suddenly needs a lot more! All we see is that our bright, helpful
children seem to suddenly turn into lazy slothes!
During adolescence, teens begin to develop their reasoning skills. In fact,
God has given them this period so they can learn to question their world.
Why?
Because teens have to develop into mature adults!
And that change, unfortunately, doesn't happen overnight. Instead, it spans
a 5-8 year time period! During this time, your obedient child who would have
never thought to question your authority suddenly begins to question, and if
this delicate period isn't handled correctly by the figures of authority in
that child's life, what often results in a sullen, insolent teen.
We often label this behavior "defiance", but when you stop to think about
it, isn't it just part of the process of change?
I would like to propose that there is a way to help your kids through this
delicate transition period and to possibly avoid some of the defiance, some
of the insolence, some of the anger that so often ensues. The answer lies in
RELINQUISHING control!
Easier said then done, however. After spending so many years teaching our
kids boundaries, showing them that they need to relinquish control,
establishing that healthy control that young children need, suddenly we are
being asked to relinquish that control to an immature teen who is probably
going to make the wrong choices!
But we have to. First and foremost, we must do so because our kids NEED to
learn how to make their own decision. They NEED to learn when and where to
seek advice, and they will only do so by working through it on their own.
Now, I'm not saying that as soon as a child passes his or her 12th birthday
that suddenly all the rules are lifted and that child is suddenly allowed to
do what he or she wants! Far from this. What I am suggesting is that as a
child approaches adolescence, it is vital that we begin to let go of that
control little by little; that we give council, but at the same time, that
we give our kids tiny bits of freedom to make their own choices. And when
they do, we need to be there to praise them for their good decisions and
give them guidance when they make mistakes!
In the last devotional, I introduced an idea presented to me by a patient:
"Is it illegal, immoral, or likely to hurt something? If not, why not
consider giving in?" In the case of relinquishing control, this is also
excellent advice. We need to constantly be asking ourselves these questions:
Will letting them make their own decisions in this instance result in
illegal activity? What about an immoral decision? Can it possibly hurt
something? If the answer to these three questions is 'no', then maybe we
need to consider relinquishing control!
Because of my own convictions that vegetarianism is a healthier, more
environmentally-friendly way of life, my son has been raised vegetarian. In
my heart, I harbor the hope that he will choose to remain that way, and when
he came home the other day saying that they would be serving pizza at
school, and that he had decided he wanted to eat the pepperoni instead of
picking it off, my heart lurched.
Before I said anything however, God whispered to me: "Is it illegal?"
Well, not exactly.
"Is it immoral?"
Again, no, I can't say that it is!
"Is it going to hurt anything?"
Well he might get a stomach ache because his stomach isn't used to digesting
meat, but nothing irreparable . . .
"Okay," I said. "You will someday have to decide if you will be vegetarian
or not. I just want to mention a couple of things before you have your
pizza. You have never had meat before, and your body isn't used to digesting
it. It may make you sick the first time you eat it."
He raised an eyebrow, but he didn't say anything.
"Also," I continued, "because your taste buds aren't used to it, it may not
have a lot of taste."
I was dying to know how the pepperoni experiment had gone, but when I picked
him up from school the next day, I didn't even have to ask.
"I don't know why people eat pepperoni, mom!" He said, climbing into the
car. "It tastes like cardboard! Disgusting!"
And the next day I would overhear him telling his brother he'd been up all
night with an upset stomach. "I could just imagine those undigested pieces
of pepperoni floating around in my stomach!" He said. "I don't think I'm
going to try THAT again!"
Experiment over, no permanent harm done, and more than likely, any further
pepperoni experiments were discouraged. Why? Because I allowed my son to
experiment, and as a result, he made his own decision.
Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with pepperoni, or with eating meat
in general for that matter. So this was a safe experiment. But is there a
time when we, as parents, have to discourage such experiments?
The answer is "Yes". Join us next week, for Bringing up Kids God's Way, Part
9Bii!
In His love,
Lyn
Lyn Chaffart, Mother of two
teens, Author and Moderator for The Nugget, a tri-weekly internet
newsletter, and Scriptural Nuggets, a website devoted to Christian
devotionals and inspirational poems,
www.scripturalnuggets.org ,
with Answers2Prayer Ministries,
www.Answers2Prayer.org .