Dealing
with grief is perhaps one of the hardest things that we, as humans, must do.
Grief may be rooted in a death or illness, or it may be rooted in a loss, such
as the loss of support, the loss of a spouse through divorce, the loss of a job,
or even the feelings of abandonment that parents often go through as they
realize they must allow their children to grow up. The focus of the upcoming 12
devotionals, that will be appearing in the next 12 Saturday editions of The
Nugget, will be on how to deal with the grief. The first two devotionals will
focus on the grieving cycle, and the last eight will teach us important lessons
about grief from specific and personal experiences of Nugget Writers. Our prayer
is that you will be blessed by this series, and that somehow, whatever it is you
are grieving, the lessons presented here will help you to get through.
Dealing with Grief, Part 1:
The Grieving Cycle, Part a:
Definitions and Dangers
Grief.
It's an age-old emotion, one that was even outlined in the Bible:
"When they came together in Galilee, he said to them, 'The Son of Man is
going to be betrayed into the hands of men. They will kill him, and on the
third day he will be raised to life.' And the disciples were filled with
grief." (Matt 17:22-23 NIV)
There is a process that we all go through when something bad happens. It's
called the grieving cycle. You've all heard of it, it's the natural chain of
emotion that we experience when dealing with grief. It has been described in
the following way:
Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news. Denial stage: Trying
to avoid the inevitable. Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up
emotion. Bargaining stage: Seeking a way out. Depression stage: Final
realization of the inevitable. Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.
Although this has been described as a cycle, experts now tell us that it is
more of a process. It is natural, it is normal, it is healing. The only
problems arise when we get stuck in one of these phases.
In Dealing with Grief, Part 1, we will be looking at defining the different
stages of the grieving cycle, and discussing possible outcomes of getting
stuck in any one of these stages, and in Dealing with Grief, Part 2, we will
be looking at how to safeguard ourselves from getting stuck in these stages!
Let's take a look at each stage individually:
The Shock stage: It is a normal thing. You hear bad news, and you are in
shock. When I received the call that my brother had committed suicide, I
couldn't even respond. I just sat there in my office, my cell phone to my
ear, with my mouth hanging open sputtering about how I didn't have a good
connection. Perfectly normal. But what if I had stayed in this stage? You
hear stories of people who have heart attacks and die over the shock of bad
news. Others become mute, unresponsive. Why? Because their minds cannot deal
with what they have heard.
The Denial Stage: Human nature dictates that we try to avoid the inevitable.
When I received news that my dad had passed away, my first response was
this: "No, they must have gotten it wrong! It couldn't have been my DAD you
were talking about who had a heart attack! He was a picture of health!"
Again, very normal. But what if I had never gotten beyond this stage? I
would have never gone to the funeral. I wouldn't have been there for my mom
and my husband. I would have just continued my life in status quo, though
somewhere along the line, I might have begun to get angry at my dad for not
contacting me!
The Anger Stage: It is perfectly human for us to become angry at the one(s)
who have hurt us. And not only is it perfectly natural, it is also
necessary! We cannot keep those pent-up emotions inside! We have to let them
out! Before my brother's funeral, I had the opportunity to have a private
visitation. Up until this point, I had been pretty strong, and it wasn't
until that moment that I realized how angry I was. And I laid all of my
frustrated anger out in that private room, where no one could hear me, and I
left feeling refreshed. What would have happened had I not done so?
Unforgiveness would have moved in and I would have become bitter and angry.
We've all met angry people, people who have been hurt by someone or
something and who never get over it. Either they have no avenue for release,
or they do not employ it and they never forgive.
Bargaining Stage: When faced with bad things, it's natural for us to seek a
way out. When told that I was going to lose the other Speech Pathologist on
my team at work, I went out and bargained. I begged, I pleaded, I reasoned,
I did everything in my power to help my manager and those above her to
realize how this was a very bad idea. Why? Because I felt helpless. It gave
me something to do. If I had become stuck in this stage however, I would
have never been able to come up with reasonable alternatives!
Depression Stage: Okay, so we have been in shock, we have been in denial,
we've been angry, we've even tried bargaining, but nothing is helping. What
now? This is where the brain shuts down and quits trying. This is the
depression stage. Again, very, very natural. Not so long ago, I became
overwhelmed with new referrals at work. I couldn't keep up! Since I have a
strong work ethic, it wasn't long before all of my thoughts were consumed
with the fact that the work was piling up and my patients weren't getting
the care they needed. It came to the point that I could no longer find joy
in anything around me. We've all experienced what it's like to get stuck in
the depression stage! What sad lives we live until we break out!
Testing Stage: This is the stage where healing begins to happen. After my
dad died, I spent a bit of time in this stage, planning different scenarios
for my mom, for my family, trying to figure out what would be the best way
to go on without him. This is an important stage, but it is also important
to eventually stop planning and move ahead. Otherwise, the problem never
gets resolved. I did finally find a scenario that worked, and when we moved
ahead to pursue it, it led to:
Acceptance Stage: We were able, as a family, to move forward. This is the
one stage, friends, that it's okay to get stuck in!
But how can we avoid getting stuck in one of these stages? Join us next
week, for The Grieving Cycle, Part b: How to Keep From Getting Stuck!
In His love, Lyn
Lyn Chaffart, Mother of two teens, Author and Moderator for
The Nugget, a tri-weekly internet newsletter, and Scriptural Nuggets, a
website devoted to Christian devotionals and inspirational poems,
www.scripturalnuggets.org , with Answers2Prayer Ministries,
www.Answers2Prayer.org .