Lessons From Handicaps, Part 7:
My Struggle With Epilepsy
Hi. I'm Heidi and I have epilepsy. My seizures began to
get bad when I was in my thirties. I had been having a headache for a week and
began feeling like I was going to fall out of bed. I began sleeping on the
floor. I had been working full time and my position had been reduced to part
time and then eventually eliminated. I went to look for a new job when my doctor
advised me to file for disability. I did so and found out that I have been
having seizures all my life. I didn't even know it. My roommate told me that she
was going to move and I was faced with living on the street. I was afraid I
would die there. I asked the state for help and there was none available so I
called the White House.
The hardest thing about epilepsy is that I am unable to do the things I used to
do so easily. I don't like asking for help and I take pride in being able to
accomplish things. When I can't do something that I used to do readily, I feel
like a failure. I had been trying to get a card business off the ground for
years and it never went anywhere. I felt like I (capitalize I) was the one who
had to make it happen. And without help from anyone else. Looking back, I
realized how lonely I was and how lonely such an attitude made me.
Last week, I realized that I took too much pride in my own strengths and maybe
God allowed me to be epileptic to humble me and make me ask for help. I had lost
the use of my arm eighteen years ago, had three knee surgeries and almost had
ovarian surgeries.
Last week, I spent time in prayer confessing to God how prideful I had been. I
had felt like I was the one who would make myself succeed. I had the contacts
and connections and I didn't want to need anyone to help me. I was afraid I
would get hurt. Currently, I'm in a situation where I need to find a home that
is safe to live in and I have had to ask for help. It's been extremely humbling
but it has also been freeing. I have a friend Andy, who has been there every
step of the way and I have not felt so alone. And it's all because I have
realized that I was wrong to be so independent and harden my heart.
Heidi Dietrich